My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
