Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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