Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
