I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
