i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?