the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
