Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
