She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
