Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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