i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
