The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
