In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
