Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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