Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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