Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
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