let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
