just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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