Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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