What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
