Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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