I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
