I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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