Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
