i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
