i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
