yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
