Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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