chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
