I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
