the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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