I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
