I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
