I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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