I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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