Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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