dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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