I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
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I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
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I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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