I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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