Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He's a Shit stain on my heart
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
