the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
