my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
