He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
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