My first STD was from a foam party
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
