Im at strip club and am horny
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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