i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
