So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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