i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
