He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize