wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
