it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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