you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
