After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
