On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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