so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
