Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
