i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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