the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
