I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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