I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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