Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
