You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
