I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
