shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
